How to Survive a Menty B breaks down medical trauma and illness-induced PTSD with me, a therapist with both PTSD and a Ph.D.
This is my survival guide, my survival story, and my survivor legacy.
How to Survive a Menty B is a library for people navigating the upheaval of medical trauma and PTSD. Each week, I explore a new topic and dissect the role of medical trauma in daily life and relationships.
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Welcome to Taxol
Medical Trauma Journal
Friday 8/13/2021
Chemo 5 of 8. I was nervous about my first Taxol infusion.
I had terrible veins today, and it required five tries to get my lab samples to see if I was healthy enough for chemo. First, I felt her wiggling the needle around, trying to find a good spot inside my boney ass hands. Then, she poked and wiggled and poked around some more. Finally, we pricked my finger.
We filled vial after vial of blood drop by fucking drop. It took about 40 minutes altogether to get enough blood to check my numbers for chemo.
I am starting to show signs of wear and tear. It's getting easier for me to get an infection, just as another wave of Covid surrounds me. I don't know what will happen, but I must focus on keeping myself safe and caring for myself.
The protocol was different today. Even though we only did Taxol, many other steps were involved. It’s possible to have a deadly reaction to this medicine, so someone has to be around to watch me just in case for the first 15-20 minutes.
I also have to have a Benadryl infusion with Taxol to help it go down easier and prevent the reaction. Most people blissfully enjoy their IV benny and go to sleep, but I didn’t.
This infusion is about 2-3 hours, and I have to keep my hands and feet on ice for that whole time. The goal is to slow the blood flow to my far extremities and prevent nerve damage by reducing the intensity of the medication at those sites.
My brain gets it, but my body knows I took it back to get more poison and freeze my fingers and toes.
I smiled politely as a needle went hunting around in my hands today, but my body held the rage.
Saturday 8/14/2021
The steroids were kicking last night. I was tired at a normal time and went to sleep fine, but I woke up feeling like I had slept the whole night, and it was only 1 am. Between the steroids and the cats, I didn't get much sleep, but I managed to stay in bed and rest and do breathing exercises, and eventually, I slept in bits and pieces.
My face is flushed and warm today for some reason. I have a little low back pain. I have a slight fever but nothing to call the doctor about.
I am dizzy and puking sometimes, which is not fun.
Monday 8/16/2021
Omg: Bone pain!
My fucking skeleton hurts. I had no idea that my whole skeleton could hurt. Shit.
Tuesday 8/17/2021
I got some sleep despite the cats. My bone pain was out of control yesterday. I didn't know if I could keep it up, but luckily I slept it off.
According to my doctor, most people do better on Taxol, but it appears that I am sensitive. Some people require narcotics for the pain it puts them in. I hope this is just a short-term thing that will wear off soon.
The longer I stay awake, the more bone pain comes along.
Time for bed because I can’t stand it anymore.
Friday 8/20/2021
It’s been a week since my first Taxol treatment. My bones aren’t absolutely and utterly miserable today. I guess that’s progress?
Saturday 8/21/2021
Today is Matt’s birthday. I woke up and did my morning walk but got too hot and weary. So instead of doing anything fun, I cried on Matt’s birthday because I was sick of being sick today. And I know it’s hard not to think about his dad dying last year.
I can’t change any of these truths today and it makes me feel like a failure.
I’m still working on acceptance.
Monday 8/23/2021
Last week was a really rough week after chemo. I was so tired and in pain that I didn't feel like myself.
Unfortunately, the side effects from treatment five are still hanging around.
Tuesday 8/24/2021
I forced myself to do some things that made me feel human. I walked, worked out, caught up on some house stuff, and got sun. Still fucking sick but whatever.
Thursday 8/26/2021
I had a perfect day before chemo. The highs are higher on this chemo, but the lows are much lower.
Holy shit, was the ride rough this time. I was so painfully sick and weak for far longer than any other medicine. This is getting brutal for me, mentally and physically.
But, finally, two weeks after taking the chemo, I had a typical feeling day. Just in time to go back tomorrow for some more.
I hope I can bounce back a little better now that I know how I’ll feel.
Same time next week?