How to Survive a Menty B breaks down medical trauma and illness-induced PTSD with me, a therapist with both PTSD and a Ph.D.
This is my survival guide, my survival story, and my survivor legacy.
How to Survive a Menty B is a library for people navigating the upheaval of medical trauma and PTSD. Each week, I explore a new topic and dissect the role of medical trauma in daily life and relationships.
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The Worst Hangover I’ve Ever Had
Medical Trauma Journal
Friday 7/16/2021
Chemo 3 is done. I’ve had three of my four extra-strong Red Devil cocktails. Just one more, and it’s supposed to get easier. Or at least that’s what I hear: most people do better when they get to the Taxol portion of treatment. I hope that’s true.
I am having an extreme reaction to the smells in the treatment center. The smell of rubbing alcohol makes my stomach flip over, and I want to run out of the room. Also, blood draws are getting complicated and painful. The chemo is trashing my veins.
Almost everyone I see on my chemo regimen has a surgically inserted port that stays inside them for treatment. That becomes the designated spot for chemo infusions, or blood draws since it’s already in a vein. I asked about getting a port, but my doctor said I didn’t need it, and it comes with additional risks.
I’m starting to wish I had asked for it again. I did enough damn surgeries before this that I could have easily had one inserted.
Going through chemotherapy is mentally and physically exhausting. It’s hard to remain optimistic throughout the treatment.
But, I look forward to finishing this treatment portion and moving on to the next stage.
My current side effects after dose #3:
Low red and white blood cell counts
Runny nose (cause all my nose hair fell out)
Nausea and vomiting
Loss of appetite
Hair loss
Brittle nails
Dry, cracked skin
Bone pain
Diarrhea and constipation (IYKYK)
No period
Mood swings
Hot flashes
Fatigue
Bruising
Brain fog
Sunday 7/18/2021
I am constantly woozy and tired. I feel like my life force has been turned down. Usually, when I wake up in the morning, I feel hopeful about the day and confident that I have enough energy to make it to the end. But the last few days, I feel like a flicker. There is tunnel vision in my power and capacity, and I am so narrow in what I notice or take in.
I feel so frail.
My brain is so foggy and clouded that it feels necessary to have something to focus on so it doesn’t float away from me. I use the wrong words for things, and telling a story is difficult for me right now. I can feel the effort it takes my body to form a thought. I’ve never felt like such a whisper of a human before.
Tuesday 7/20/2021
Ugh, I have the full chemo hangover today: pounding headache, a shit taste in my mouth, dehydrated, very tenuous stomach situation, the brain doesn’t work, can't move without pain. I tried meds to no avail. So next, I smoked some cannabis to eat.
Finally, I managed to crawl outside to lie down in the sunshine.
Wednesday 7/21/2021
My chemo hangover is improved from yesterday. It's not great, but it's not as bad as yesterday.
This shit makes me never want to drink alcohol again. While a chemotherapy hangover is far more horrific than an alcohol hangover, the side effects have a few overlapping areas. If I ever have a hangover from alcohol again, I can't imagine that I won't also feel like this. Or I will at least remember what it was like to have a chemo hangover.
And that memory can fuck right off.
I don’t want any physically uncomfortable reminders of this unique experience. I love alcohol and rollercoasters, but the Red Devil may have ruined both because of the similar, torturous, unwanted side effects.
Thursday 7/22/2021
My headache is improving, finally.
Little by little just making my way through. Making myself do things even though I don’t always want to. Eat veggies, move, lay in the sun, and write.
Saturday 7/24/2021
I still don't feel great and didn't sleep well, and my mood has been shit today and yesterday.
So, I rescheduled my client for tomorrow, took a nap, and made myself work out. And surprise, surprise, it helped my mood. I felt better. It always works for that, even though I sometimes dread it, and it was the last thing I wanted to do then.
I could have slept for hours and hours and hours today.
Sunday 7/25/2021
Ugh, I feel fucking nuts like I'm about to get my period.
I didn't think I would get it anymore because of chemo. And maybe I'm not. Who knows.
But Friday, Saturday, and today I am not myself. I have low energy, low motivation, and no enthusiasm for anything. I swing from fucking rage to this extreme gratitude. Then I'll find myself in profound sadness only to end up in a sheer panic. I'm just a ball of emotions, and I don't want to do a fucking thing today.
But I did everything I needed to do, and I enjoyed doing it all. I was present and content. But here I find myself. Just all over the damn place with my feelings.
I still did all those things today because I knew they suited me and because I could, even though I wasn't feeling like it. So, it looks fine on the outside, and I do all those things happily most days. But on the days I'm carrying all this shit around, it takes so much more effort to do the things I know are right for me.
Ugh, I swear my fucking period is going to start.
Monday 7/26/2021
I cried on my walk today to Matt and again later this morning.
It just sucks having cancer.
I’m tired of feeling shitty and unable to do anything and my brain being mush. I forget everything. I have a permanently furrowed brow that enough Botox to give me another cancer wouldn’t fix.
My skin is hideous.
I won’t even bring up the complete literal shit show my stomach is putting on.
I’m already anxious about chemo 4.
Thursday 7/29/2021
I am still dreading going to chemo four tomorrow. Of course, my body is dreading it, and that is understandable.
I'm going anyway, but I don't want to go.
My stomach is sick, and my body is telling me I am crazy for taking myself back to this place to get poisoned.
Same time next week?