How to Survive a Menty B breaks down medical trauma and illness-induced PTSD with me, a therapist with both PTSD and a Ph.D.
This is my survival guide, my survival story, and my survivor legacy.
How to Survive a Menty B is a library for people navigating the upheaval of medical trauma and PTSD. Each week, I explore a new topic and dissect the role of medical trauma in daily life and relationships.
If you need my other services, please visit my website www.drkrisyelrod.com
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Have You Ever Shaved Your Head?
Medical Trauma Journal
Friday 7/2/2021
Chemo round 2
Saturday 7/3/2021
Yesterday I woke up early, did my walk, Pilates, and showered, clinging to the last bit of feeling okay-ish before another round of the Red Devil.
Our drives to and from the clinic are an hour and a half each way, but the time passes quickly enough with podcasts. We rotate Conan O’Brien, Switched on Pop, and Films To Be Buried With.
Chemo days are long. After the drive, I do lab work, meet with the doctor, and do the chemo. At best, it’s an 8-hour day. When anything goes wrong, it’s even longer.
Chemo round 2 side effects are a little better so far.
Right after getting the medicine, I feel woozy, like my stomach is on a rollercoaster I can't see. That turns into a terrible hangover and the onset of the flu.
I slept on the couch for a few hours after we got home, but I woke up disoriented and freezing cold. Matt helped me take some meds and get to sleep. I'm still setting my alarm every few hours to wake up and take all my medications that help with the side effects.
Don’t get behind on the medication schedule; it’s not worth it.
Tuesday 7/6/2021
Day 18 since my first chemo, and my hair hurts. Even though my head is shaved, I can feel the hair follicles on my head like pins and needles when anything touches it. Putting my head on a pillow or even wearing my cap feels like my hair is poking me.
I feel every single hair dramatically fall out of my head.
Tiny hairs are EVERYWHERE. I've got bald patches on my head, but it doesn't matter. Every time I touch my head, my hair comes off like glitter.
Thursday 7/8/2021
I both can and can't believe this shit in my head.
How the hell am I thinking about calories right now?
And getting "fat" right now?
Omg, the diet culture is strong and embedded in my bones.
What kind of world do I live in where the thought of getting fat is as bad and scary as any other chemo side effect?
I know that all of that is learned and that I am observing it instead of getting sucked into it. But damn, it makes me sad to know those thoughts are in there taking up space.
Friday 7/8/2021
I feel poisoned today. I woke up with the biggest chemo hangover and no energy. I have a headache, a horrible taste in my mouth, achy bones, inflammation, pale skin, no appetite but the ability to eat endlessly, and my brain doesn't work. I have to really try to think something through. I can feel the physical cost of thinking.
And my brain is still trash anyway. I’m not spending precious energy on solving global dilemmas. Instead, I am trying to remember the beginning of the sentence I started in my head.
My hair has just about all fallen out. My scalp is super white and delicate.
The hair left is better attached and doesn't hurt. The ones falling out earlier this week felt like pointy needles.
Saturday 7/10/2021
Sometimes it just hits me in the stomach and takes my breath away that I could die. I feel it like a wave hitting me harder than I was expecting.
I feel it physically, and then the feelings come. It scares me. I am afraid the fight will never end until it all does.
The tears are streaming down my face because we walk around with a noose around our necks, in a sense. We will all surely die. I can just feel mine tonight. I know that the floor will drop out from underneath me when it's supposed to. But I am afraid.
And the drugs don't help. The chemo and the meds to manage the chemo make me insane and sick, and clouded. It feels like thinking is painful because it requires so much effort. And even with the action, it's not coming out great. I'm tired of feeling sick and crazy, and I've barely started.
Thursday 7/15/2021
Ugh, trauma-rama today. I just felt overwhelmed at the realization that my childhood was spent in doctors' offices being taken care of, and now my husband has to do the same for me.
The smell of rubbing alcohol is starting to make my stomach clench.
Same time next week?