How to Survive a Menty B breaks down medical trauma and illness-induced PTSD with me, a therapist with both PTSD and a Ph.D.
This is my survival guide, my survival story, and my survivor legacy.
How to Survive a Menty B is a library for people navigating the upheaval of medical trauma and PTSD. Each week, I explore a new topic and dissect the role of medical trauma in daily life and relationships.
If you need my other services, please visit my website www.drkrisyelrod.com
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Half Way Through Chemo
Medical Trauma Journal
Thank you all for reading along on my cancer journey! Telling my story has been helpful for my recovery, and has also been a challenging project. Sometimes, I do need to take a break from being in the medical trauma mind space.
I am glad to continue to share my story with more and more people who want to learn about medical trauma. By sharing it with the world, I hope to encourage others who are going through similar experiences and help them realize that they're not alone.
Check out my notes for patients and providers to get more practical information on medical trauma.
Thank you again for supporting me and sharing this story with others!
Friday 7/30/2021
4/4 red devil in. I am only halfway through, but that’s a significant accomplishment. I took the most toxic chemo there is and lived. It doesn’t entirely give me a sense of pride, but more astonishment.
I drank poison and lived. I guess I’ve been training for this for years.
Saturday 7/31/2021
I can’t move. I’m so fucking tired. My body feels like it’s been turned inside out and I just want to sleep. But the exhaustion is only one part of why I can’t move. The fear of facing this reality, the possibility that things won't get better and that I will have to live with cancer forever, is crippling me.
Sunday 8/1/2021
My mood is a touch better today, which is good because I need it to deal with the side effects.
My life force has been turned down, and my thinking has become challenging. Red Devil laid it on thick this final round. I am unable to forget I haven’t won anything yet.
The anxiety is killing me, and the hopeless pressure is killing me. I had to stop and give myself permission to rest and do nothing. If not now, when? What is a good enough excuse for my brain to let me off the hook? I have to allow it to be this.
I am a little more hopeful today, however. My mom is here being a huge help keeping me company, doing house projects, cooking, and cleaning up after our meals.
I have gotten a kitten to lift my spirits; she still needs a name. She is super cute and sweet and just a nice beam of sunshine. Unfortunately, the same cannot be said for my precious Ginger, who is jealous, angry, and full of rage that we brought a baby cat into the house. We have the baby cat in the spare bedroom and bring her out in the carrier or with someone holding her to see how Gigi does. She's trying, but she hates her for now.
And we still need to get a name. She will have to tell us her name soon. I like Pixie, so that could be a good one. She is a tiny little sprite, after all.
Wednesday 8/4/2021
This week is one of the most difficult ones yet. I am constantly feeling worn out, queasy, and confused. The closest thing I can imagine is having the horrible flu and a horrible hangover simultaneously with extreme stomach involvement. My body is so unpredictable.
Friday 8/6/2021
I woke up exhausted today. How is that even possible to sleep the entire night and wake up feeling like I am ground to dust?
I’m starting to question how to get through this. I have at least 11 more weeks of being sick, at best. I hit a slog point.
Sunday 8/8/2021
I still feel tired and overwhelmed, but I am ok today. Some side effects are lightening up enough to feel like a human being.
Monday 8/9/2021
Considering how bad last week was, I am doing ok.
Mentally, these past two weeks were tough. I am having some PTSD symptoms around chemo triggers. The smell of rubbing alcohol clenches my stomach, and my thoughts start swirling around my head too quickly to catch them. The smell of pills, the smell of anything strongly scented. It all sends me into a solid physical reaction I can't control. I want to run away or cry, and I can’t manage to explain it all to anyone.
My body does not want to continue going to this building where I get stabbed and poisoned anymore, and it is starting to show me signs of that.
My energy is low, so taking breaks between tasks helps me stay focused. Working on things that inspire me also really helps.
My nose is so runny. I swear I went surfing and took a wave to the face this morning. Every time I lean over, it drips out of my nose.
Tuesday 8/10/2021
My brain is still complete garbage, and my memory is trash.
I am anxious about Friday for chemo five since we switch meds. I'd also like to see my labs improve because it’s too early to show so much wear and tear.
I am having PTSD symptoms from the smells and tastes of chemo. So I’ll have different flavors and aromas planned for the next one. Change things up. This is a whole new experience that I know nothing about, so I have to approach it with some new energy.
I plan to put lemon oil inside my mask, so I have something new to distract my nose.
Thursday 8/12/2021
Another day before chemo. I'm not over-scheduled today and trying to be chill about having a new experience tomorrow. So, I will approach it with some curiosity.
Same time next week?